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Dr. David Richo, Ph.D., M.F.T.
Psychotherapist, teacher, workshop leader, and writer.
Presentation to the SB Council for Self-Esteem – 06/08/07
The Introduction
By Dennis Forster
Today you are in for an extra special treat. Write this down: Davericho.com. It will lead you to a site entitled: Soulware for Personal Enrichment. There you will find a list of the nine books Dr. David Richo has written. Among them are: How To Be An Adult, How To Be An Adult in Relationships, The Five Things We Cannot Change And The Happiness We Find by Embracing Them. This book encourages us to accept the following unavoidable “givens.”
1. Everything changes and ends.
2. Things do not always go according to plan.
3. Life is not always fair.
4. Pain is part of life.
5. People are not loving and loyal all the time.
Dr. Richo‘s latest book is: The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know. You can read about the CD’s of his live classes on his website. One that looks especially interesting is: Letting Go-And Going On.
Dr. Richo is a psychotherapist, teacher, workshop leader and writer. He is in Santa Barbara from April until September and San Francisco from September until April. He works as a psychotherapist in person and by phone. He teaches classes and seminars in Santa Barbara and San Francisco as well as other parts of the country. You can get a list of his classes by sending him an email at the address is on his web site. And now, it is my pleasure to present Dr. David Richo.
The following wrap-up is by Betty Hatch
Dr. David Richo entered the center of the room as most professional teachers
and professors do. He was at ease, casual and comfortable in the front of the full house at the Schott Center. Some of the audience had been waiting for an hour to hear his presentation on self-esteem. Others had phoned ahead in hopes places could be saved for them.
The first question posed by Dr. Richo was: What helps me to raise my self-esteem? To explain his process, he asked us: Are there ways of loving others and ways of practicing that? He went on to explain that he was not speaking of romantic love—love that caused the heart to beat wildly or the adrenaline to race. He spoke of our earliest needs to receive love and the “Five A’s that identify those needs. He wrote them on the flip chart; Attentive, Accepting, Appreciation, Affection and Allowing. Dr. Richo, noted the natural desire we have for receiving attention, for being accepted as we are, for being appreciated, for receiving affection and for being allowed to be exactly as we are.
He teaches that if we practice these traits with others, we then feel good about ourselves. This type of positive behavior not only raises our self-esteem but is also a design for living in intimacy.
Being able to do this also means that our natural tendency to be controlling and manipulative must be given up. His advice regarding how to release the necessity to be in control was identified with the acronym, CIA. We must give up our tendency to be critical, interfering or advising (without being asked). He shared that as an Italian, the innate tendency for him was to be retaliatory—to seek revenge. He referred us to the TV show, The Sopranos, and the revenge that played such a large part in the many episodes.
The opposite of being retaliatory is choosing not to act on the hurts we feel from others but rather to do good to those who hurt us. Again on the flip chart, Dr. Richo’s diagram showed a progression from “Hurt” to the expression “Ouch” to “Dialogue” and to the resolution “to not hurt back.” The ”Ouch” gives us the opportunity to announce our pain and “Dialogue” enables us to open up in a new way and explain how we felt when the statement or action was delivered. A statement of, “That really hurts my feelings—are you aware of that?” can let others know how their words and/or actions can trigger others to a desire to retaliate. Our decision/choice to not retaliate or “hurt back” increases our personal esteem or value of our self.
The moving illustrative story Dr.Richo shared, involved a Holocaust victim who was asked on “60 Minutes” how the Jewish race can continue to call themselves the “chosen race” after being persecuted throughout history. His answer was that his race had the ability to continue to love and therefore, they are the chosen one.
The point, so poignantly made, was the difference between those who live life though love and forgiveness with esteem and those who retaliate and live from the ego or the “I” position. The ego comes from fear, attachment, control and entitlement, which he called by the acronym FACE.
There were many questions throughout Dr. Richo’s presentation such as, “How do I deal with a family who is toxic?” The answer was clear and direct: “Limit the time spent with them or, if necessary, leave.” A comparison was pointed out between the five A’s which lead to high self-esteem (the higher self) and FACE (living from fear, attachment, control and entitlement) that nourishes our ego or lower self. We value our inherent goodness (loving self) by practicing the five ways of loving, all A’s: Attentive, Accepting, Appreciation, Affection and Allowing. This practice leads us to integrity or wholeness and the ability to state to ourselves, sincerely, “I feel good about me.” Dr. Richo ended his presentation with a beautiful poem, he recited from memory, by Tennessee Williams which recounted a grandfather’s last message.
The audience had behaved as students before a revered professor, continuously respectful, silent and attentive. There was joyous energy as the program ended as though all left with affection for Dr. Richo as well as appreciation for his presentation, ready to allow others to be as they are, anxious and committed to practice the five A’s.
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