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Peter Brill
Presentation to the SB Council for Self-Esteem - 06/11/10

The following synopsis is by Betty Hatch

The auditorium was professionally set up when I arrived an hour prior to Dr. Peter Brill’s presentation.  We had had several communications during the week to make sure all of the technological equipment needed would be ready to go.  The audience began to arrive early, anxious to get a good seat.  When Peter walked in he, headed straight for the computer/slide set up – and it did not work!  

He was introduced by Bob Hodges:

“Our speaker today is Dr. Peter Brill. Dr. Brill is a physician and psychiatrist. He received his M.D. from U.C.L.A. and became a board certified psychiatrist after his residency at the University of Pennsylvania. He also attended the Wharton School of Business, where he became a Senior Fellow. His accomplishments are too numerous to mention in this short introduction. Highlights include:

• Founded and directed the Center for the Study of Adult Development affiliated with the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania.

• Founded and ran two national companies, while carrying on a private practice.

• Since moving to Santa Barbara, he became the Director of the Third Age Foundation where he lectured and led groups and workshops.

• He has appeared numerous times on radio and television, and has also lectured internationally.

• A best-selling author, his latest book is  “Finding Your J Spot, Joy in Midlife and Beyond.”
  

Today he speaks on the subject of self-esteem and how it has been a part of his personal and professional growth."
When Dr. Brill approached the podium, we knew there was nothing to worry about, our speaker was totally prepared, with or without the computer slide show.  He opened with his “one joke” saying it only took one brain cell to remember jokes!  Then he tackled the subject of the day.  “ What is self-esteem?”
  
For him, self-esteem is a person’s overall value of their self-worth including beliefs, emotions, behavior, skills and personality.  At the outset, he humbly stated that he might not be the right person to talk about it, but he intended to speak candidly and honestly.

Peter went on to describe his life:  His father was a genius – a boy wonder who made good.  He had graduated from high school at 14, college at 17 and medical school at 21.  He had became a neurologist and a psychologist, one of the first set of people to be “analyzed” in this country.  He and Bill Menninger were in charge of Psychiatry for the entire U.S. Army during WWII.  He then became the founding chairman of the Department of Psychiatry at UCLA.  Can you imagine being measured against all that as a child? 

His mother was a woman of her time.  She wanted to go to college but her family only had the money to send her brother. She was bright and resented all her life that she hadn’t been able to go.  She was a mother and housewife in the 50’s  and her life experience is well reflected in The Golden Notebook (a novel by Doris Lessing).  She had been dominated by her husband, who had education, success, respect  from all around him, control of the money, and the psychological power of being an analyst, when that was close to being a priest in our society.  His parents would get into terrific fights when his mother would speak up, driving her to drink:  every so often, she would belt a couple -- her father was Irish -- get up her courage, and fight back.  

His father had a strong personality, was a highly critical perfectionist, demanding, explosive and prone to assault; not what  you would expect from an analyst. Peter and his brother were never good enough and their father never failed to confront them until they admitted every weakness or lapse in responsibility.

Peter had trouble learning to read.  It first came to light in the second grade.  By the third grade his father, who thought he was just being willful, had him sit on the couch and read.  He would hit Peter with a stick every time he made a mistake.  Fortunately, this was one of the few times his mother stepped in with force.  She took him to a reading center in 1952 where they tested his IQ and then tried to figure out what to do.  Dyslexia was unknown.  However they figured out some exercises, designed to bring him up to his grade level in reading.   But now, he felt, he was considered “defective” by his father.

Despite his problem, for some unknown reason, he kept getting skipped forward in school after they moved to California.  This happened three times, once in elementary school, once in junior high school and once in high school.  Each time he was moved ahead 1/2 grade.  He was a poor athlete and by age 16, six months before he graduated from high school, he was only 5’1” tall and no girl was interested in him.  To make matters worse, his peer group had been disrupted by his movement ahead in grades, and he had a brother who was 6’8” tall and popular.

There were two formative experiences that happened around this time.  The first was when his father, brother, mother and he were playing bridge.  His father and brother were playing against Peter and his mother.   Peter and his mother were winning.  There was a dispute between his brother and his father over what had gone wrong in one hand.  His father, in his normal manner, called his brother a “liar”.  With that his 6’8” brother, who was 18 at the time, stood up and so did his 6’1” father.  His brother said to his father with his fist doubled up, “Don’t you ever call me that.”  Uncharacteristically, his  father sat down.  Peter wasn’t fully aware of it at the time, but he had learned from this experience that it is possible to overcome aggression and abuse by facing it down.  Maybe the seed of his self-esteem had been planted.

The second experience was at 16.  Despite the fact that he was a good kid, who didn’t drink, didn’t stay out at night, never had a car accident, hardly ever argued with his parents and got good grades in school, when he graduated from high school his father called him into his study.  Peter was shaking with fear because he never was allowed in there.  “Son, I have some good news and some bad news to give you.  The good news is you can do anything you want with your life.  The bad news is you are paying for it!”   Since Peter wanted to go to collage, he had to find a way to pay for it himself.  What made this a mystery to him was that his father clearly had plenty of money and had paid for his brother’s education at a private college!

Peter described himself at that time as a painfully shy kid with low self-esteem, reading problems, poor in athletics and broke financially, who set off for college.  He said, “You would think that what I was facing was a horrible experience, but it didn’t turn out that way.”

He had grown to 6’2” by then.

He was on his own and away from the domination and criticism of his father.

He made some internal decisions to not be shy, no matter how embarrassing the situation.  He would go out there, take risks and interact with people.

         •           He would now compete in athletics.

         •           Women were beginning to find him attractive for the first time.

This led to another key experience in his life, this time during medical school.  Another medical student took Peter to Synanon to play what was called “Square Games”.  “Square Groups” were formed, composed equally of people like Ken and Peter. who didn’t do drugs (Squares)  and addicts who did.  They were attack groups designed to penetrate the denial of the addicts, but when the group turned on you, no one was allowed to defend you.  Peter went on a weekend marathon where they were required to stay awake for 48 hours of psychological exercises and dialogue.   The purpose was to break you down until your core came out.  Several things happened on that excursion, which have stayed with Peter.  First, there were prostitutes and ex-felons on the trip along with the “Squares”, some of whom had done horrific things to get their drugs.  When they finally broke down and their humanity emerged, Peter found that he could understand and accept them.  Second, when Peter broke down, what emerged were two things of staggering importance to his self-esteem:  His rage at his father poured out.  It seemed strange that he had never felt that rage before.  Obviously it had been unsafe when he was at home, but this was six years after he had left.  His defenses had prevented him from feeling his own truth, deep down inside.

When it came out, he was filled with tears and anger.  Suddenly he felt clear, free, renewed.  His heart opened in a new way.  Second, the leader of the group raised the issue of his height and showed him in a mirror that he was no longer 5’1” tall.  Although it was obvious to others, the difference between what he had felt and what was objectively true had never been brought together for him.  He suddenly felt his true size and his self-esteem grew accordingly.

The next key experience happened when Peter was sitting on a bus, returning from New York City.  Peter had been digging around inside the experiences of his life, which is common for therapists in training, when it came to him that he could love himself.  He realized that he was (and is) a very loving person.    He had gotten it as a great gift from his mother and it had caused him to be very sensitive and shy when he was young.  Now, he realized, he could give to himself what he had been giving to others.  It was a deep, profound realization and a feeling that has stayed with him.  We all deserve to give ourselves love, just as much as others deserve to receive love.

Peter wondered, is that self-esteem? Is that the beginning of spiritual enlightenment or is it just a therapeutic moment?  Whatever it was, it had had a major effect on his life.

He now wished to complete his education, have a career and race to the top.  Peter believed he would have to work for it.  He attended Wharton School of Business and later started three organizations.

Dr. Brill concluded that most of his success was created by a fear of failure.  “I did what I wanted.”  

While running two national companies, he said to himself on one, particularly trying day: “If I had a heart attack, I could retire!”   He came to grips with his mortality, realizing that it wasn’t necessary to have a heart attack to enter the Third Stage of life.  

So where does self-esteem come from in the Third Stage?  He feels it comes from gratitude, forgiveness and love.  He suggested that the influence of everything that occurred in our childhood is gone by the time we are fifty.  Peter encouraged us to explore the standards we are using to measure our lives and to use meditation and affirmations for strength and growth.  “Say to yourself what you wish others would say to you.”

He summarized his conclusions:

1. Poor self-esteem in childhood does not determine life success.
   
   
2. Fear of failure seems, at least in men, to be as big a motivator as self-esteem.
   
   
3. You can improve your self-esteem in all sorts of ways: change your behavior, your attitude, or the social system that surrounds you.
   
   
4. Watch out for the costs of what you are trying to prove to yourself – you or your family may be paying a price you don’t realize.
   
   
5. Love yourself: People deserve love and so do you!
   
   
6. Never give up. Face aggression and the problems of life squarely, you can conquer them.
   
   
7. Go for the Gold” during the middle stage of your life. You will be assisted by vision, goals, strategies, persistence, courage and a lot of other people.
   
   
8. Doing social good really matters for your own feelings about yourself and life.
   
   
9. In your “Third Age”, get away from focusing on yourself and start to pursue spiritual values such as forgiveness, gratitude and contribution -- you have been given an enormous gift of life, prize it.

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