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Roger Durling
Executive Director of the SB International Film Festival
Presentation to the SB Council for Self-Esteem - 01/28/11
With nearly every chair taken at 5 minutes after twelve noon, a lone, lean, handsome and well dressed man walked to the front of the room and began to check the mike. Willa Young, the President of the Santa Barbara Council for Self-Esteem, hastily joined him and announced into the microphone, “Our Speaker is raring to go.” Roger Durling is the Executive Director of the Santa Barbara International Film Festival, which opened the previous night! Mrs. Young stated how fortunate we were to have him during his busiest season and that he would even be speaking without pay! At this, Roger feigned shock and the audience hooted with laughter. A laughter that would continue mixed with tears and hard questions, for an hour during Roger’s extemporaneous speech.
Bob Hodges then formally introduced Roger.
Our guest speaker today is Roger Durling, the Executive Director of the Santa Barbara International Film Festival. He has performed this task passionately for seven years and plans to continue indefinitely. He is credited with taking the Santa Barbara Film Festival from the shadows into the light of international recognition.
At the age of 12 he moved to the United States from Panama. His journey from Panama to being the only Hispanic in a New Jersey boarding school and on to film festival director is an interesting story that I hope he shares with us today.
Some bullet points of his life-
He attended Columbia University earning a master’s degree in literature.
He teaches Film Studies at Santa Barbara City College and at UCSB.
He writes a column about film entitled Roger Durling’s “THE BIG PICTURE” in The Santa Barbara Independent.
He was chosen Santa Barbara’s Citizen of the Year in 2004.
Today Roger is here to present his thoughts on a subject beyond the film industry--on self-esteem; how he found it and how he has benefited from it, throughout his life.
Please, give a warm welcome to Roger Durling.
Relaxed and confident, Roger told us, humbly, he was just as surprised to see all of us there, as we were to see him. Then openly and honestly he shared that he had been sexually abused as a young boy in Panama. The horrible scar he felt everyone could see when they look at him is, “I am a bad person—it was my bad!” He felt this shame until he opened up and announced his molestation at the talk he gave for this same group in 2007.
That public confession along with lots of therapy has continued to normalize his life for the past four years. Roger now feels that Incident in his life is only 1/500 of who he really is. For years, it had been his over-riding issue.
Even after loosing 45 pounds and receiving a tailored Ralph Loren suit fitted for him, when he looked in the mirror, Roger still saw “the fat, ugly person he had been.” Adult abusers tell the abused they are not worth anything, he explained. And now, even after 10 years of therapy, there was occasionally a void telling him he was no good!
Roger told about having Javier Bardem for the Film Festival and being praised by all for his excellent interview with him, except by one person who informed him, “That was the worst interview you have ever done!” All of the praise did not matter after he had heard that single negative comment!
Not doubting our self-worth and loving one’s self are most important. Roger said it takes courage to have love and respect for one’s self, but until we have it, we cannot have true love and respect for others. Now he is enjoying learning to love himself
At twelve, Roger was removed from public school because his abuser was there. He received a scholarship to an Eastern prep school in the United States, where he was the only gay, Hispanic in the school. He arrived at 12 dressed in black. He spent four years feeling like an outsider, always feeling worthless. But he made up his mind that he would show this upper crust prep school what he was capable of achieving. He decided the more he was put down the more he would persevere and he did.
After finishing prep school, Roger attended Columbia University and earned a master’s degree in literature. He then decided to become a playwright and moved to Los Angeles. He didn’t like LA and moved to Ojai, where he opened the French Café.
Movies had always been a refuge for him when growing up. While in the theater he felt equal with the rest of the people there. The theater was a haven for him. He talked with his clients about the pictures he had seen and the actors and movies he liked best. He told how he felt Santa Barbara deserved a first rate Film Festival. Because he had been to so many, he understood them and thrived on them.
Roger told his customers how he would change the Festival. When the opportunity arose, he told the board he would turn the SBIFF around even though it was $100,000 in the red! He would do it by working for free for the first year. As a playwright, he could not stand the rejection. Roger told us that now he loves his job so much he would still do it for free! Then he requested no one in the audience should tell! The audience roared with laughter. Roger feels very fortunate to have taken charge and to have been able to take the SBIFF to a new level.
The subject of his molestation kept returning and he reiterated the importance of having things out in the open and talking about them! Now he explained how the brick he was carrying for so many years has become a little rock He can feel it, touch it, and even appreciate that things happened the way they did.
There were two teachers in his prep school, who inspired him, and he has never forgotten them. They knew he felt ostracized. One was very demanding and really pushed his students with harsh, but constructive, criticism.
One day after Roger did a scene from “Bus Stop,” he was condemned so severely, he went home, cried all night and ate a whole pizza! When his teacher saw Roger moping around the next day, he asked Roger what was wrong. Roger explained and his teacher told him, “You are capable of so much more. Stop blaming others and start taking responsibility for your actions. You must take stock of who you are, let go and live the truth.”
Now every spring he and his partner, Dan, take the two teachers to Broadway shows!
Roger heeded his teacher’s advice. Saying he was gay became easier. He noted that the last three times he has seen Kate Winslet, almost his first words to her, after an initial greeting, included the fact he was gay. After the third time, Kate replied, “You always tell me your gay! Will you please get over it?”
When the laughter stopped, Roger left us with powerful words of advice. If you are going to take praise, you must also be able to take criticism. Forgiveness of your self is key. Stop blaming, let go and move on!
One of the emails I received after Roger’s presentation impressed me so much I asked permission to share it. Permission granted, you may read it now:
Betty- -I can’t thank you enough for encouraging me to be present at today’s event with Roger. I must admit I did not care for him until today. I now really admire him and can tell others about him. He has gone through so much and survived. I would do anything for him. Hugs, Lynda
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